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Help Me, Harlan!
May 12, 2008
Dear Harlan: I’m a 19-year-old, Latina college student who can’t tell whether or not I am spoiled beyond functioning on my own, or if I am living under the tyranny of my immigrant parents. I’ll admit that I live pretty comfortably. My father is a doctor and I get some pretty sweet stuff, but I do not always get what I want, when I want. I’m in a major (nursing) chosen primarily so that I can inherit what my father built (not because it is my passion). I have always been a rather liberal free spirit who misses out, all because mommy and daddy said NO. I had a taste of freedom when I moved into the residence hall of a private university. I experienced more in those three semesters than I could have ever dreamed of. Of course, it took a toll on my grades, so I made the decision to transfer to my local community college to salvage my GPA. Living at home was, of course, not living. My parents’ view – more my mother’s view because my father and I have no real relationship other than biological – is that I messed up once, and I am incapable of learning from my mistakes. Therefore, I can’t take a step without a full report, a week in advance. What can I do to persuade my parents to trust me? I refuse to have to ask permission to do anything! — Trapped>>
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Wise Up!
May 12, 2008
When Savion Glover was a child, his mother, Yvette, a single parent with three children, used to ride a bus. The other passengers on the bus knew and liked her, and whenever she was late getting to the bus stop because of the time it took to get her children off to school, the other passengers would make the bus driver wait for her. Yvette took good care of her children. Savion became a renowned tap dancer at an early age, performing in the United States and in Europe. While visiting Monaco’s Monte Carlo, Yvette and Savion came across a nude beach. She quickly took her son to a different location. While the young Savion was performing in “Black and Blue,” he hung out backstage with the older, long-established tap dancers. Their language was salty, but Yvette knew that Savion would learn much worth knowing by hanging out with his heroes (and getting some male authority figures in his life), so she didn’t try to censor the language used backstage. Instead, she read her Bible, staying close enough to keep an eye on Savion but far enough away that she didn’t hear the salty language.>>
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Ask the Advice Goddess
May 8, 2008
My boyfriend of a year has his own home, as do I. He needs a roommate to help pay bills, and only a woman has responded. She’ll have her own bedroom, but they’ll share a bathroom. He advertised in the campus housing office, so she must be young, or younger than I am (my boyfriend and I are both in our mid 30s). I have an issue with him having a female roommate. What if we have a fight and he doesn’t answer the phone? What if he drinks beers and watches movies with her? I trust him but believe in avoiding tempting situations. He insists he’ll be at my place all the time anyway (which I’ve told him isn’t fair to me), and says I’m just insecure. I said I’m willing to meet her and see how I feel, but he won’t wait to see if others respond (he did once before and ended up stuck). — The Girlfriend>>
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Help Me, Harlan!
May 5, 2008
Dear Harlan: I am a graduate student, married with two children. My husband never knew his father, so our children only know one grandfather (my father). My husband visited other members of his father’s side of family when he was younger, but he has not kept in touch with them for years. We will be traveling to a wedding in the town where we know the family members reside. The problem is, my mother-in-law is very elusive about the details of their relationship, so I am a little hesitant about approaching her about more information about his father. Is this something I should pursue, for the sake of the grandchildren he has never seen, or should I just let it go? My husband does not care either way. — Curious>>
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Wise Up!
May 5, 2008
On April 26, 2008, Western Oregon faced Central Washington in a softball game. Up to bat for Western Oregon was Sara Tucholsky, who played in the outfield occasionally and who had only three hits in 34 at-bats that season. In the 0-0 game she hit a home run with two players on base. Excited — make that really excited — Sara missed first base and turned back to tag the base. That’s when her knee gave out, and she crumpled to the ground in pain. Of course, Western Oregon coach Pam Knox wanted Sara to get the home run: “It’s her only home run in four years. I didn’t want to take that from her, but at the same time, I was worried about her.” Obviously, the Western Oregon players couldn’t pick Sara up and carry her around the bases.>>
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Ask the Advice Goddess
May 1, 2008
This co-worker guy, who I hardly know, has been stalking me at work. I don’t want to cause trouble for him, but... he’s creepy. He’s been asking co-workers about me and finding me on my breaks. Today, as I was leaving for lunch, he said, “I haven’t stopped thinking about you.” The hairs on my neck stood up. The shower music from “Psycho” came into my head! I (like an idiot) said, “Shoot me an e-mail.” (I don’t have the guts to tell him, “Screw off, you ugly, creepy, uh, expletive.”) Of course, he e-mails me – inviting me to lunch or dinner, saying he wants to get to know me better. Since I love your “tact,” I’d love to respond using your words. Something that says: 1. You’re creepy. 2. You obviously live with your mother. 3. Never in your lifetime. — The Hunted>>
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Help Me, Harlan!
April 28, 2008
Hi Harlan: My boyfriend of three years broke up with me (we were living together) to supposedly be with someone else. So, I’m dealing with heartache, and I started to hang out with a friend who is unhappy with his situation. He is married and in the process of divorcing, but has not moved out of the home that he shares with his wife. In the meantime, I recently found out I have been accepted to medical school, and will be moving out of state. Now, my boyfriend of three years wants me back and says he made a mistake leaving me. Both guys are pursuing me, and I am confused. I don’t want rebound relationships with either one, but my heart still longs to be with my original boyfriend, who sounds like he has come to his senses. However, I am not eager to go back too easily. — Broken in Atlanta>>
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Wise Up!
April 28, 2008
When Choo Chiat Goh, the father of Chan Hon Goh, was a young dancer in London, he had a chance to dance for Anton Dolin’s company, but he turned it down because he wished to study dance in China under Pyotr Gusiev. Later, Mr. Goh opened a dance studio in Vancouver, Canada, where his daughter took classes from him.>>
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Ask the Advice Goddess
April 24, 2008
My wife and I have been married 10 years and have two young children. Two years ago, we agreed to separate, and I left for Iraq. Two weeks later, she moved a boyfriend into our place. The following year, she ended it with him, and we decided to try to work things out. I bought a house and moved her and our kids in. Two months later, she went back to the boyfriend. A year later, she left him, and we agreed to try again. I moved our family back into the house and gave her power of attorney and my bank account password to prove I was committed. A month later, I had to leave for Iraq again, and am still here. Within a month, she had some guy sleeping over nightly. She claims they’re just friends; he’s there because she doesn’t feel safe, and they aren’t having sex. She even told our son the guy’s doing her a favor and has a bad back, so it’s only fair that he sleeps in the bed with her, not on the couch. I’m 99 percent sure our marriage is done, I just wanted your opinion. — Troubled, From Iraq>>
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Wise Up!
April 21, 2008
The mother of comedian Liz Feldman knew that Liz was a lesbian even before Liz figured it out. At age 16, Liz went away from home to a summer drama program at which a girl seduced her. Liz knew then that she liked girls, but at the time she thought she also liked boys. The following summer she went to another drama program, and her mother walked into Liz’s room and saw two girls sleeping together in bed. Ironically, the girls weren’t gay; they were just tired.>>
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Help Me, Harlan!
April 21, 2008
Hi Harlan: I’m 15, and I love music. I write a lot of songs, but I don’t play any instruments. I sing, and then upload my music on MySpace.com. A few of my friends have heard it and said my music sounds good. Well, I want to record it – I want everyone to hear my music. My family is not very encouraging about this, so hiring an agent is out of question. What are a few simple steps you would suggest? Thanks a million. — Jess>>
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Ask the Advice Goddess
April 17, 2008
I’m 29, as is the woman I’ve been seeing for three months. After she kept pulling away when I tried to kiss her, she confessed that kissing is very, very intimate to her. She’ll actually sleep with someone before kissing them. In fact, we’ve been having sex for a while – without kissing. She had girlfriends in college, and said she found it easier kissing girls. She claims she doesn’t want a girlfriend – she prefers guys – she just needs me to be patient, as she’s “scared to death” of kissing, and “can’t do it right now.” I really like her, but I found out her last relationship lasted two years, and they never kissed. I don’t think I can wait that long. — Smacked Down>>
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Wise Up!
April 14, 2008
British fantasy author Terry Pratchett started out as a journalist, but realized quickly that he wanted to move on from that occupation, although it is good training for writers. He says, “I was sick of asking: ‘How did you feel, Mrs. Smith, when your son was knifed to death by muggers?’” He points out, “What is she going to say? ‘Oh, I never liked him much?’” One day when he was a trainee reporter he wrote an article about a collision between a car and a minibus. Six children had been killed, and he was thinking, “This is a great story. It’s going on page one.” However, another trainee reporter came to work late because he had been consoling his mother after their sister had not returned home. Mr. Pratchett looked at his notebook, and he saw the name of the sister — she was one of the six children who had died in the collision. He says, “I ringed the name and handed my notebook to the news editor and went to the toilet. I went into a cubicle and locked the door. And then I laughed — I laughed, but I wanted to scream. There was a lot of that sort of thing, and ultimately I didn’t want to do it.”>>
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Help Me, Harlan!
April 14, 2008
Dear Harlan: I have been living with my grandparents since I was 6. I am now coming up on 20, and they continue to treat me as if I were a 10-year-old. In high school, they never allowed me to go to dances or my senior prom. I am in my third year of college, and nothing has changed. I’m forbidden to leave campus and don’t have a car. I have never been allowed to go out to eat with friends, to go bowling or to go out to watch a movie like others my age. I understand that they want me to succeed in life and to live wonderfully later on, but I can’t help but think I should be able to somewhat enjoy my life now. It’s sad to say, but I’ve been going through this for 14 years, during one of which I was suicidal (at the age of 12). I can talk to my grandmother somewhat, but she stays in the good old-fashioned frame of mind. Just recently, I confessed that I’ve been smoking weed and tobacco products. Of course, my grandparents did not agree with my actions and to this day threaten to pull me out of college. I feel as though they don’t give me an option to have fun and leave the campus (which I do on occasion anyway). Do you think it would be a wise idea to leave my family and go off on my own? — 20 Going on 10>>
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Ask the Advice Goddess
April 10, 2008
In a recent column, you validated a woman’s desire to lose weight solely to meet her husband’s needs. Your encouraging her to take off pounds and get plastic surgery for him is an insult to yourself and every woman who reads your disgraceful article. I disagree with your notion that males care more about looks. I’m a heterosexual woman (19... am I a woman yet?), and my dates’ looks are extremely important to me. However, for a few extra pounds to prevent a man from seeing why he fell in love with his wife is barbaric. If you’re really in love, you transcend the external. If this woman can find it within herself to love the stuff she’s made of, she’ll attract attention she never thought imaginable — the sort only unconditional self-acceptance brings. — Appalled>>
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Wise Up!
April 7, 2008
Husband-and-wife children’s book author/illustrator team Martin and Alice Provensen created such picture-books as the Caldecott Medal-winning “The Glorious Flight: Across the Channel with Louis Blériot.” This book is about the first man to fly solo across the English Channel, a feat he accomplished in 1909. One of their copies of the book has an inscription written in French. Translated, it says, “For the Provensens — Alice and Martin — with my sincere good wishes, Louis Blériot.” No, the famous French aviator, who died in 1936, did not write the inscription — Mr. Provensen forged it. Inscriptions are not the only things he forged. Before his death in 1987, he frequently forged masterworks by such artists as Picasso and Rembrandt. He hung the forgeries in his and his wife’s home, and he enjoyed watching the faces of their visitors as they tried to figure out how the Provensens could afford to own such masterpieces.>>
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Help Me, Harlan!
April 7, 2008
Dear Harlan: Do you ever feel like people are listening to your conversations while in public? Well, the reason I ask this is because today I was walking with my friend and I was telling her about this guy who I like and how he kissed me this past weekend. This guy knows a lot of people on campus, and I am just paranoid that someone he knows overheard the conversation. I know this probably doesn’t make sense to you, but I’m afraid that someone is going to tell him what I was talking about. And then the guy I like will not want to hang out with me anymore. — People Are Listening>>
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Ask The Advice Goddess
April 3, 2008
My boyfriend of nine months leaves a mess in my home, and it infuriates me. Although he’s otherwise a great guy, just a glass not taken to the kitchen makes me boil with rage.>>
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Help Me, Harlan!
March 31, 2008
Dear Harlan: I am a 59-year-old schoolteacher. I have always believed myself to be non-ageist. I have friends among generations both older and younger than I. In recent years, however, I have begun to feel ignored by the current crop of 20-somethings. Both on the job and in public, this group seems to look right through me — ignore me, not be interested in hearing from me. I try hard to connect with them in nonthreatening, nonjudgmental ways. On the job, especially, I feel they are my equals and endeavor to treat them as such, just as I have done with past groups of new employees. Still, they don’t maintain eye contact with me and often give me one-word answers when I attempt to converse with them. I don’t want to become an elder who is embittered, cynical and critical of younger people, yet I am saddened and often hurt by the way people currently in their 20s dismiss me. What do you advise? — Invisible Lady>>
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Wise Up!
March 31, 2008
When Gary Paulsen wrote his novel “Hatchet,” which is about a young boy who finds himself alone in the wilderness with only a hatchet when the person piloting the small plane he is in dies of a heart attack, he wanted the novel to be as realistic as possible. Therefore, whatever the hero Brian experiences in the novel, Mr. Paulsen also set out to experience in real life. In doing this, he was remarkably successful, even creating fire using a hatchet and a stone. However, he experienced a setback when he attempted to eat turtle eggs. The eggs so nauseated him that he vomited, despite three valiant attempts to eat them. Fortunately, his lead sled dog, Cookie, enjoyed eating the eggs — and his vomit. Despite his lack of success in eating the turtle eggs, Mr. Paulsen decided to leave the egg-eating scene in his novel — he figured that Brian would be so hungry that he would be able to eat the eggs and not vomit.>>
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