Help Me, Harlan! High-school graduate struggles with loving her or leaving her
By Harlan Cohen
June 2, 2008
Dear Harlan: I’m a senior in high school about to go to college, but my girlfriend is a junior who is obviously not going to college. We’ve been together for about two years now, and both of us mutually decided that we will break up once I leave for college, because neither of us wants to try to keep a long-distance relationship. The question that I’ve been grappling with is: Should we stay together over the summer, or break up at the beginning of summer? I’m torn, because I want to spend as much time as possible that I have left with her, but at the same time I feel like if we break up right when I leave then I will inevitably miss her, and it may take away from my initial experiences in college. Should I take the summer to get used to not being with her, or should I spend the remaining time I have left with her? — Anonymous
Dear Anonymous: First, happy graduation!
The short story — you’re going to miss her regardless of when you break up. What’s the rush? Why let it go? I say love it while you’ve got it. To have a miserable summer without someone you love to avoid being miserable doesn’t make sense. Besides, you might meet someone else after you break up with her over the summer. Then you would miss two girls. Soak it all up before you have to let it go. There’s a myth that being unattached when you leave for college means being happy — not true. The good times will always be there for you. The secret to being happy is finding your place once you arrive on campus. This means planning over the summer how you’ll find your place before you arrive on campus and being patient once you get on campus. It can take a year or two to find your place. To sum it up: If dating her won’t hold you back once you get to school, I can’t see the point in breaking it off before it’s broken.
Dear Harlan: My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years. We’ve split up once before. He says that I have issues to work on — and I have worked on them — but lately I’ve been saying hurtful things to him without realizing it. He tells me that he loves me, but he wants a break because of those hurtful words. Since then, we’ve talked and we went away together. When we returned, he told me he loved me and that he would call. It’s been a few days since I’ve heard anything. I’ve left two messages, but he hasn’t returned my calls. What am I to think, and to do? I don’t understand. — Waiting
Dear Waiting: What’s not to understand? He doesn’t like how you talk to him. He’s done putting up with it. He loves you, but he loves being respected more. If everyone had the courage and conviction to take a stand, our partners would have to rise to a higher level to meet expectations. Take this time to figure out why you hurt someone you love. Maybe you come from a home where love and hurt go hand in hand. Maybe you need a man who isn’t strong enough to demand respect or comes from a similar world. Maybe you can take this time to work on changing. He told you what the problem is. Now it’s up to you to face it, fix it or own it. (c) Harlan Cohen 2008. Distributed by King Features Syndicate Inc.
Harlan is the author of “The Naked Roommate: And 107 Other Issues You Might Run Into in College” (Sourcebooks). Write Harlan at harlan(at)helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan! 2506 N. Clark St., Ste. 223, Chicago, IL 60614.
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