Help Me, Harlan!
Imperfect parents still illogically expect perfection from their child
By Harlan Cohen
June 16, 2008
Dear Harlan: I am a student at an elite college. At the end of this year, I will be done with my pre-med studies and will take the MCAT a year early.
However, I am going to get a “C” in my biology class. I don’t know how to handle this. I have always done very well in school, but I just could not handle this class. I was already taking an accelerated load, and I had never seen a cell in my life before this course.
I just can’t be good at everything. And I don’t even like biology. That’s part of why I didn’t do so well in this class. It was so overwhelming and difficult, and I don’t even like the subject to begin with. Although I worked hard, I could have done more. My family will be so disappointed.
At our last get-together, all anyone talked about was how wonderful it is that I’m going into medicine and how proud they are of me. I feel like such a failure. My family told me that if I got anything less than an “A” in the class, I would be expected to retake it because I should be doing better. What do I do? — Imperfect
Dear Imperfect: I would give your parents a “B+” in parenting. They should go back to school, too. The pressure they put on you is too much. They’ve left no room for mistakes. By having such unrealistic expectations and saying that anything less than perfect is a failure, they’ve set you up to fail.
Take the biology class over if you want, but do it for yourself — not for your parents. If it turns out that a “B+” is your best, be happy that you’ve done your best.
Most importantly, pursue medicine only if you love it. If you’re not happy doing it, get out. It’s great to make your family proud for a weekend get-together, but it’s not your family who will have to get up every morning and face a job they hate — that’s all you.
Dear Harlan: My boyfriend of two years is unemployed and still married. He and his ex separated before I met him, but he still hasn’t gotten a divorce.
After almost three years, why would he remain married to her?
He says that he can’t afford the divorce because he’s unemployed, but part of me thinks he still wants her. They talk on the phone, write and e-mail.
My boyfriend says they’re discussing their kid, but she sends him pictures of herself and love letters. She even calls me to yell at me, then says that she loves him. If he doesn’t want to be with her, why doesn’t he tell her to quit yelling at me, to quit writing and calling him and get the divorce?
Do you think he still wants her? — Baffled in the South
Dear Baffled: He wants a divorce about as badly as you want to hear the truth.
You know what’s happening here. The guy doesn’t want a divorce. He loves the attention. He might live with you and care about you, but this situation is far from loving. Unless he changes, find the courage to make changes yourself.
This child from his first marriage means that this woman will always be in your life. She’s going nowhere — just like this relationship. (c) Harlan Cohen 2008. Distributed by King Features Syndicate Inc.
Write Harlan at Harlan@helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan! 2506 N. Clark St., Ste. 223, Chicago, IL 60614.
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