Help Me, Harlan!
Better have a good reason before unearthing your family history
By Harlan Cohen
May 5, 2008
Dear Harlan: I am a graduate student, married with two children. My husband never knew his father, so our children only know one grandfather (my father). My husband visited other members of his father’s side of family when he was younger, but he has not kept in touch with them for years. We will be traveling to a wedding in the town where we know the family members reside. The problem is, my mother-in-law is very elusive about the details of their relationship, so I am a little hesitant about approaching her about more information about his father. Is this something I should pursue, for the sake of the grandchildren he has never seen, or should I just let it go? My husband does not care either way. — Curious
Dear Curious: What’s the point? I mean, what do you want to come from this? There’s no point in bringing something up that’s been buried and put to rest unless there’s a good reason. The only thing of value I could see gaining from this is a health history. That has a direct impact on your children, and especially your husband. If it’s too uncomfortable for you to bring up, ask your husband to bring it up. Family genetics and medical history aren’t about him being curious about his dad or wanting to bring up painful secrets. This is about having vital information to take good care of himself and your children. When he asks, I’d have him do it toward the end of the weekend – just in case mentioning him brings up old feelings and upsets her.
Dear Harlan: I’m a college freshman. Two of my closest friends are girls. They’ve been my best friends, but after a few months I started having strong feelings for one of them. I was in self-denial for a few more months, because I was afraid that even if we were to be more than friends, it might ruin my best friendships halfway through my freshman year – a time when I really need friends. So, a few more months later I defeated my shyness and pessimism and finally told her how I felt – and she had the same feelings toward me. But she is more shy than I am when it comes to relationships, and she seems to reject me around our friends. The other problem is that she likes to get drunk every once in a while, and I have strong feelings against that. What should I do? — Not Quite Perfect
Dear Not Quite Perfect: It’s way too easy to change or lower your standards to be with a woman when you’re shy and you don’t think you have a lot of options. Don’t do it, man. Never compromise what’s important to you. The chemistry might be there, but the timing might not be. Ignoring you and drinking to get drunk could be signs that she’s still trying get comfortable in her own skin and needs more room to grow (but not in a relationship with you). Explain to her what the reasons you’re reluctant to date her, and see what she has to say. She might be happy to change her ways, or she might not be. The last thing you want is to go into this planning to change her. She needs to change herself – not you. You can always stay close friends with her, and see what happens in the future. In a year or two, you both might change just enough to be the perfect fit at the perfect time. (c) Harlan Cohen 2008. Distributed by King Features Syndicate Inc.
Harlan is the author of “The Naked Roommate: And 107 Other Issues You Might Run Into in College” (Sourcebooks). Write Harlan at harlan(at)helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan! 2506 N. Clark St., Ste. 223, Chicago, IL 60614.
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