Help Me, Harlan!
Not-so-innocent teen plays the
By Harlan Cohen
May 12, 2008
Dear Harlan: I’m a 19-year-old, Latina college student who can’t tell whether or not I am spoiled beyond functioning on my own, or if I am living under the tyranny of my immigrant parents. I’ll admit that I live pretty comfortably. My father is a doctor and I get some pretty sweet stuff, but I do not always get what I want, when I want. I’m in a major (nursing) chosen primarily so that I can inherit what my father built (not because it is my passion). I have always been a rather liberal free spirit who misses out, all because mommy and daddy said NO. I had a taste of freedom when I moved into the residence hall of a private university. I experienced more in those three semesters than I could have ever dreamed of. Of course, it took a toll on my grades, so I made the decision to transfer to my local community college to salvage my GPA. Living at home was, of course, not living. My parents’ view – more my mother’s view because my father and I have no real relationship other than biological – is that I messed up once, and I am incapable of learning from my mistakes. Therefore, I can’t take a step without a full report, a week in advance. What can I do to persuade my parents to trust me? I refuse to have to ask permission to do anything! — Trapped
Dear Trapped: STOP playing the victim – the people around you are reacting to what you’ve done and how you’ve behaved. Try an experiment for the next year – stop complaining about everyone else, start listening and try asking for permission. Also, find a therapist who can offer you an objective perspective. Until you start listening, you won’t know whether your parents are controlling or you need help being controlled.
Dear Harlan: I’m finishing my freshman year in college. I’ve always been a quiet person. I promised myself that once I went to college I would become more adventurous. Well, first semester came and went. Then, I told myself that the spring semester would be different. I would go to more parties, and generally be more social. I have a good group and variety of friends, but I never seem to be the one at the parties or having any college “fun.” I love the time spent just hanging out with my friends, but how can I look back years from now and not regret missing out on the “best years of my life?” I was even thinking about pledging a community service-based sorority or a business fraternity on campus. — Almost Out of My Shell
Dear Out of My Shell: There’s this illusion that college is supposed to be a certain way. Let me tell you – the “best years” in college aren’t defined by how many parties you’ve been to or how many the beers and hookups you have. It’s defined by friendships, experiences, and figuring out what you love and don’t love to do. The first year of any big change (for example: the college transition) is all about getting over the initial shock. The second year is all about working your way into the mix. So stop thinking, and just do it all. If you don’t like what you’re doing, try doing something else. As long as it doesn’t get you arrested, pregnant or thrown out of school, do it. One more thing – every year can be better than the previous one. Then, every year becomes the best year of your life. (c) Harlan Cohen 2008. Distributed by King Features Syndicate Inc.
Harlan is the author of “The Naked Roommate: And 107 Other Issues You Might Run Into in College” (Sourcebooks). Write Harlan at Harlan@helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan! 2506 N. Clark St., Ste. 223, Chicago, IL 60614.
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