Help Me, Harlan!
Once you"re grown up, you should not have to keep lying to parents
By Harlan Cohen
May 19, 2008
Dear Harlan: About a year ago, I met a wonderful man who swept me off my feet. We split up when I hit a rough patch, but now we are back together. However, during our split he moved to Seattle. We both agreed that the only way to truly re-establish our relationship would be if I went to Seattle. I decided to move there for a few months over the summer. I am a college student (age 21), and I am still financially dependent on my parents. Because I needed a blessing from my parents to go to Seattle, I lied and told them that we are no longer dating. I have not lied outright to my parents for some time. I feel very guilty about it. It is now time for them to know about us being together, especially since I have the very strong hunch he is going to propose or suggest that we elope. I want everyone, including my parents, to know that we are together and in love. I’m so worried about this that I have been losing sleep. How can I tell my parents about this lie without losing the close relationship I have with them? — Laura
Dear Laura: The answer is simple – adults shouldn’t lie to their parents. If you’re mature enough to get married, you shouldn’t have to lie. If college funding is the issue, graduate and then move to Seattle. If there’s a cultural issue, find a spiritual leader or family member to guide you. If there’s a problem, manage it – but don’t lie. Tell them the truth. Admit you were wrong. Take the heat and work to rebuild their trust. And don’t run off and get married so fast. If your relationship is this wonderful and he’s this wonderful, a few years of dating will prove to everyone that everything is so wonderful. Besides, you sound like you could use a few more years to grow up.
Dear Harlan: My husband and I live with my niece and her 10-month-old daughter. My niece’s mother died six years ago and her father (my brother) abandoned her and her sister. My niece still sees the father of her baby, and she claims to be in love with him. While she was pregnant, he became upset with her over something, and he choked her. She stopped seeing him for a while, but they got back together. Now she believes he cheated on her. She is so upset, but she still sleeps with him. This guy is 20 years old, and so is she. The saddest thing is she’s a go-getter, but he’s very unmotivated (high-school dropout, won’t work full time and won’t go back to school). She is in college and trying to make something of her life. She swears she can’t leave him because her child will be left without a father – just like she was. What can I do to help her? — Caring Aunt
Dear Caring Aunt: Get her in touch with a support group and with professional help for survivors of domestic abuse. She needs to be surrounded by women who can help her find the courage to stand on her own two feet and get rid of him. Her boyfriend may have gotten her pregnant, but he’s neither a real man, nor a father. A real man and a loving father would never choke, emotionally abuse or belittle a woman. If this is how he treats her, imagine how he will treat his children. She needs support and professional guidance. Reach out the National Domestic Violence Hotline and get a referral (www.ndvh.org: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). (c) Harlan Cohen 2008. Distributed by King Features Syndicate Inc.
Harlan is the author of “The Naked Roommate: And 107 Other Issues You Might Run Into in College” (Sourcebooks). Write Harlan at Harlan@helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan! 2506 N. Clark St., Ste. 223, Chicago, IL 60614.
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