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Ask The Advice Goddess
July 10, 2008
I’m a 40-year-old guy seeing a 29-year-old woman for four months. I seem to have a pattern of dating women with serious problems. Sure enough, weeks after we met, she suffered a major emotional upheaval that triggered issues from her history of abuse (a vicious marriage). As an understanding companion, educated about abuse (I’m a part-time counselor), I’ve elected to stay. This has meant shelving my needs across the board. Sex was OK at first, but we hadn’t been together many times before she fell apart, suffering from major PTSD symptoms. I’m her mainstay, so we’re still seeing each other, but without physical intimacy, and she isn’t even comfortable going out on dates. There’s no telling when she’ll want me as a companion again, but I can’t just toss somebody to the curb when they’ve been hit by a bus. — There For Her>>
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Help Me, Harlan!
July 7, 2008
Dear Harlan: My mother died many years ago when I was in my late 20s. I am 65 now, and my father is 92. He lived with a woman for years and then married her in his late 70s. I was married several times, and live alone now. For the most part, he was never in my life, as we lived in different states. I have grown children, his grandchildren, who by God’s grace never got into drugs or trouble and all work hard. They used to call him to keep in touch, but he only wanted to talk about me in an unfavorable way — and so the kids stopped calling him. When I was 58, he even implied I might not be his. I was angry, and asked if he wanted a DNA test. Oh yeah, he paid $500 for nothing. He likes to throw up how he took me out of his will, because I wouldn’t talk to him! What he considers talking is having me listen to things about my mother or about what a failure I am. He never hears me out, but speaks over me. Still wanting him in my life, as he was the last of the family from my day, I have allowed myself nothing but tears and hurt feelings, and he doesn’t seem to care. I’m halfway across the country, and I wanted to see him one last time. I made all arrangements to fly down. And with the hint that I might be in Florida, he laid into me with both barrels — so nasty. I am so depressed. Any insight would be appreciated. — Very Depressed>>
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Wise Up
July 7, 2008
As World War II was winding down, the Nazis knew that they had lost the war, and the prisoners in concentration camps hoped to stay alive long enough to be freed. At Mauthausen, prisoners knew that their day of liberation was coming soon.Many of the Nazi guards disappeared, and the American troops drew near. Some prisoners at Mauthausen prepared a gift for the American troops. They scoured the camp for red, white and blue cloth, and created a homemade American flag. The flag was made with love, but it did contain an error. Instead of 48 stars (the United States had 48 states at the time), the flag had 56 stars because the prisoners, making the flag from memory, guessed incorrectly how many stars the American flag displayed. No problem. On May 6, 1945, Col. Richard R. Seibel arrived at Mauthausen, and the prisoners presented him with the flag. Colonel Seibel remembered, “I thanked them and thanked them.” He also ordered that the homemade flag be flown over Mauthausen. Today, the flag is at the Simon Weisenthal Center in Los Angeles. The flag is a present from the late Col. Seibel’s son, Peter. Famed Nazi hunter Simon Weisenthal was a prisoner at Mauthausen.>>
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Ask The Advice Goddess
July 3, 2008
Women these days think they have the luxury of being picky about men, and you encourage them. You ran a letter from “Almost A Bride,” the woman whose fiance has difficulty dealing with conflict. She said, “I’m in my late 40s, and don’t want to end up alone. No man is perfect, right?” I have news for her: If she doesn’t marry him, she probably will end up alone. I read about a study of women over 65 who’d been married: 25 percent were still married, 50 percent were divorced or separated, and 25 percent were widowed. The article also stated that 70 percent of girls in high school would work fulltime their entire lives. So much for the marrying the guy and being a full-time mommy dream! Face reality, ladies! — Realist>>
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Help Me, Harlan!
June 30, 2008
Dear Harlan: I had a great friend. One seemingly normal day, he took a risk. “We have a problem,” he said. “What?” I asked. He replied with, “I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you.” My first reaction, which fortunately I was able to keep to myself, was “Ew.” I loved his sense of humor, our conversations and hanging out with him. I just didn’t love him. He has completely different values, has let his personal appearance get away from him, and would spend the majority of his time listening to vinyl Black Sabbath records in his basement. I also strongly believe he is suffering from a major depressive disorder, and I have no desire to deal with a “project” instead of a relationship. So I told him I really valued his friendship and was not looking for anything beyond that. I tried to act natural for a few weeks, but it just wasn’t happening. We got into a minor argument over something, and I used it as an opportunity to bail out of the friendship. Under the circumstances, I doubt it would have survived anyway. I don’t think he thought my rejection was an option, so to this day he is probably still in shock over it. He needed to pull himself together before he can pull someone else in. — The Rejector>>
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Wise Up
June 30, 2008
Teachers: For what it’s worth, I have written discussion guides for Nancy Garden’s “Annie on My Mind,” Lloyd Alexander’s “The Book of Three,” and Jerry Spinelli’s “Maniac Magee.” Free downloads at http://stores.lulu.com/bruceb. >>
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Ask The Advice Goddess
June 26, 2008
I’m a 46-year-old woman who just started seeing a 55-year-old man. He’s always telling me how excited I get him, how he’s your typical horny male, and how I’m asking for trouble if we make out at the door after lunch. Frankly, he seems all talk. For example, on our much-anticipated weekend away in San Francisco, we had two hours to kill at the hotel before dinner. He suggested window shopping. I suggested we “make out on the bed.” (I wanted to say “have wild sex.”) We kissed, and when things started heating up, he said we should head out. When we returned, he said, “So, should we get to it then?” It was so crass, I suggested a movie. He seemed relieved, and we watched “Juno.” Afterward, we started fooling around, but it was bland — as was sex the next morning. I’m frustrated but hoping things will improve over time. Am I too focused on sex? I should say something, but it’s so awkward, and I don’t want to hurt his feelings. — Lustbucket>>
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Help Me, Harlan!
June 23, 2008
Dear Harlan: For more than two years, I’ve been in a great relationship. There is no part of me that wants to end it, except for the fact that I know we may not have a future together. He does not want children (this is a steadfast decision; he dislikes kids, and he has known his whole life he would be happier without having any — there is no chance he will change his mind), but I am pretty certain that I want children. I decided that after I graduate from college, I would end the relationship, since the end seems inevitable. However, now that I am looking at jobs and apartments in a different city and thinking about leaving him (we’ve been living together for the past year), I am beginning to second-guess whether I will be capable of ending it. For one thing, I am not even positive that 10 years from now I will still want kids. I worry I will regret this decision, that what we have is so unique and so fulfilling, that I may not feel this strongly about someone else again. Though, if we stay together, I could just be delaying a more painful breakup in the future. How can I make this decision? — Undecided>>
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Wise Up
June 23, 2008
“My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own parenthood, but it didn’t because parenting can be learned only by people who have no children.” — Bill Cosby.>>
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Ask The Advice Goddess
June 19, 2008
It took me two years to get a divorce from my husband, a jerk I was married to for only 13 months, after knowing him for just nine weeks. (I was 38 and increasingly desperate to get married and have a baby.) I basically gave up on “equitable distribution” because I ran out of steam, but he agreed in our divorce decree and in court, under oath, to give me $7,000 of his retirement monies. Two years and numerous legal letters later, he has yet to comply. Meanwhile, he just published his first novel and is doing readings at local bookstores. I’d like to show up at the last one, and when he’s done, stand up and ask when he plans to pay me. So... out of curiosity, what would you do? Looking forward to a pithy response! — Plotting>>
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Help Me, Harlan!
June 16, 2008
Dear Harlan: I am a student at an elite college. At the end of this year, I will be done with my pre-med studies and will take the MCAT a year early.>>
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Wise Up
June 16, 2008
In 1997, Patricia Racette and Beth Clayton, both opera singers and both lesbians, performed together in Verdi’s “La Traviata” in Santa Fe. They had not known each other before, but did meet at a party before production started on the opera. >>
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Ask The Advice Goddess
June 12, 2008
My boyfriend of two years has been living with his parents for four years. He’s 49, and first said he had an apartment near them but never wanted me to come over. I soon caught on, and he confessed he was ashamed of being in debt and living at home. I gave him another chance because we get along well, except for money. (I’m frugal and he can’t hang onto a dollar.) The biggie happened last week. I discovered he’d actually lived in his parents’ basement with his wife and kids for several years before they divorced. I don’t know if I’m more upset because he lied or because he put his wife and kids in a basement for so long. — Angry Girlfriend>>
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Friend can’t shake addiction to protein shakes, excessive exercise
June 9, 2008
Dear Harlan: One of my best guy friends (my boyfriend’s best friend) has recently become addicted to exercising and eating only protein food.>>
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Wise Up: Education
June 9, 2008
• Recently, students in my junior-composition courses took a CAAP writing-competency test. In the test, my students spent 20 minutes each writing two essays.>>
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Ask the Advice Goddess
June 5, 2008
This year, I’ve been going through the process of divorcing my husband. We’re on good terms and share joint custody of our children. The same night we separated, I inadvertently met someone. I was asking for directions to the restroom and ended up spending the evening with him. After staying with him for a few weeks, I just moved in instead of getting my own place. We haven’t had sex yet – I believe in waiting until I’m married – but I believe I’ve found the man for me. We’ve discussed marriage and starting a family. He accepts my relationship with my ex, and understands my commitment to my children. But, everyone’s warning me I’m moving too fast. Am I wrong for following my heart? — Confused In Love>>
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Help Me, Harlan! High-school graduate struggles with loving her or leaving her
June 2, 2008
Dear Harlan: I’m a senior in high school about to go to college, but my girlfriend is a junior who is obviously not going to college.>>
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Wise Up: Activism
June 2, 2008
On Jan. 8 1999, Wangari Maathai and some friends started to plant a tree in Nairobi, Kenya. Suddenly, 200 armed guards attacked them.>>
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Ask the Advice Goddess
May 29, 2008
I disagree with your advice to “The Hunted,” the woman who said a co-worker was stalking her at work. I agree she should be more direct, but what about “He’s been asking co-workers about me and finding me on breaks” says this guy’s harmless? Sometimes those “little things” turn ugly fast. A woman should heed that warning bell that something’s wrong. Yet, you mocked her, saying, “Come on, a guy at work gives you reason to believe he has a crush on you and the shower music from ‘Psycho’ comes into your head?” Do you really think “Thanks, but no thanks” will deter him? She needs to say it ONCE in front of witnesses. Then it’s Human Resources time. — Wary Woman>>
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Help Me, Harlan!
May 27, 2008
Dear Harlan: This is regarding the recent letter about the college freshman and his shy girlfriend who likes to get drunk occasionally. She has discovered that alcohol frees her from her prison of shyness and that it allows her to associate more openly with others. It’s called “self-medication.” Like many other forms of self-medication, it may lead to more serious consequences. Perhaps a better solution might be counseling. Perhaps then she could feel more free and open with people every day – not just when she gets drunk. Best of all, since they are both college students, such services might be available through their student health services at no cost. Colleges are recognizing that student drinking is a serious problem and are attuned to help. — Curbing Teen Drinking>>
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