From victim to victor: A story of defeating domestic violence
By Callie Lyons
September 29, 2008
It was Mother’s Day and her arm was bruised — again. Heather’s heart was sore as she held her baby boy in her lap at church, listening to the sermon and gazing out the window.
“Heather” (whose name has been changed to protect her identity) was injured at the hand of her husband more times than she could count. But still she pined for him.
“I was wanting him to go to church. I wanted so badly for him to enter my world,” Heather explained. “Something occurred to me… It was God saying enough is enough; this man is never going to change.”
In that moment she realized her husband wasn’t doing exactly what he claimed to be doing. Later she would learn that he used her weekly worship time to hook up with his ex-wife.
It was only then she began planning her escape.
For a long time, Heather didn’t consider herself a victim of abuse. Even when she did, she believed it was her sacred duty to stay.
Ever the healer and comforter, the 30-something nurse had met a very sick man who said he loved her and needed her. She was alone with two toddlers and anxious for a traditional family – one that included mom, dad and the kids.
When she married him, she knew he had a history of mental illness, violence against women and drug abuse – a history that had landed him in jail more than once. Even though he revealed the truth about himself, she believed her love could change him.
“He was dying of cancer when I met him,” Heather remembers. “I dove in with all I had to save him.”
He was healed. But it wasn’t long before his true colors began to emerge.
“At the moment of marriage, the adversity began,” Heather said.
His personality seemed to change with the phases of the moon.
During the first year, in the heat of an argument, it started. He put his hand over her mouth very hard and told her to never yell at him again.
The second year, when she was eight months pregnant with their child, in a rage he flushed his wedding band down the toilet and tried to forcibly remove her rings from her fingers in the middle of the night. She called authorities for protection.
Throughout the time she lived as a victim, Heather’s husband put her in situations that limited her options. They lived two miles outside of town – isolated from neighbors, friends or family. He was possessive about her time.
She was able to maintain her job, so she worked, putting him through trade school while he played and controlled the money.
Counting his, hers and theirs, together the couple had six children. When Heather wasn’t working, she was home with the kids. She home-schooled them. And Heather remained the peacemaker – a comfortable role for the daughter of an abusive alcoholic.
“I saw my mom going through the same thing,” Heather explained.
But she was caught in an intensifying evolution of exploitation.
For years her husband tried to seduce her into group sex with one of his friends. When she kept resisting, he plied her with alcohol and drugged her to gain compliance. After the deed was done, it was a handy tool to be used against her. After all, she had been “unfaithful.”
It’s a typical tactic for sexual abusers.
“Often victims tell us they were made to do something they were not comfortable with and their partner used that later to shame them,” said Kate McGuckin, executive director of My Sister’s Place in Athens.
It’s an embarrassment for Heather still.
“I was crying in the middle of this session, saying, ‘This is just not right,’” Heather recalls. “But, I wasn’t their first. They had done this before. They knew what they were doing.”
Her health was so adversely affected by her relationship with her husband that her doctor advised her to get away. Yet even that admonition was not enough to make her go. It took the absolute sting of infidelity to set her free.
“Leaving is not an event, it’s a process,” McGuckin explained. “Everybody moves at their own rate.”
Heather first became aware of My Sister’s Place when she noticed awareness posters all over town. The posters identified some types of abusive behavior.
“All of those things happened to me,” she said.
When she was ready, she knew whom to call for help.
Over the past seven years, Heather has used every MSP service except the emergency shelter.
Despite the legacy of My Sister’s Place as a shelter, McGuckin said the majority of MSP clients do not use the shelter. Many more families use other services like outreach counseling, support groups, crisis intervention, referral and information, or court advocacy.
Even after she got away, Heather found she was not free of the abuse. One day after she dropped a civil-protection order against her ex-husband, he walked out the door with their youngest child and she didn’t see him again for seven weeks. She describes those as her darkest days.
“I had to believe everyday that he was coming back,” Heather said.
Friends comforted her with scriptures bearing her son’s biblical name.
She says she couldn’t have made it without the services offered at MSP – where she was a frequent counseling client throughout the ordeal.
Heather says victims should always make use of MSP’s court-advocacy program, because it’s so difficult to navigate the murky waters of family law alone. Heather is still battling her oppressor in court over the custody of their minor children. The court awarded him custody for a time despite his history of domestic violence.
“The magistrate allowed the children to go to an abusive home,” she said. “It’s incredible that they could make such a mistake. He is such a big con.”
Heather’s kids are home with her now, and the scars are healing. She says she gets her joy from her children, treasuring each moment she has with them, and draws her strength from God.
“I’m no longer a victim, I’m a victor,” Heather exclaimed.
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